Here are some pictures taken there:
About Me
- Carrie-Ellen
- "Our lives are a book that has already been written. The brilliance of the plan is that we are only given a chapter at a time..." ~A. Drayton Boylston
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Bancroft Tower with Ray
I went up to Worcester MA to visit Ray today, and he took me to Bancroft Tower. Very interesting structure, and here's some history about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bancroft_Tower
Here are some pictures taken there:
Here are some pictures taken there:
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Chapter 14 Excerpt, In a Perfect World
"Are you ok?" He asked. "How badly are you hurt?"
"I just skinned my knee and elbow...no big deal." There was a huge gash in my pants and my right knee was bloody.
He put my leg over his lap, cleaned up my knee and elbow and put bandages on them. No complaints, no "what are you some kind of idiot?" like someone else would say.
"I feel like such an idiot", I said.
"You just need more practice... and more appropriate clothing. That's all."
My pride was hurt more than anything... and I wanted this to be something we could do together without incident. It was important to me not to screw that up. It was also important to me to practice before I went out with him though. There had been no chance to practice before Devin surprised me. I wanted to surprise HIM by riding well.
"Do you want to try again, or should we make it another time?" he asked.
I really wanted to try again... but when I could do it right. I felt like at that point I was just getting back up to fail again. He probably wouldn't have minded, but it wasn't the way I wanted it to go. I felt the sense of unworthiness returning... how could Devin love someone who was afraid of her own shadow and couldn't do something so simple without failng? A man in love with bikes... and I had to dump mine in front of him.
"I think I embarrassed myself enough for one day", I said.
He could tell I was disappointed with myself, so didn't push the issue. "It's all good you know", he said smiling. He could always comfort me in a way no one else could, and sometimes without saying anything.
"I know", I said. But I didn't really believe it.
The bikes were carefully placed in the rack outside the dorm. He put an arm around me and we walked inside and toward his bedroom. With an evil grin on his face he said, "Take your pants off."
"I'm not really in the mood right now", I said.
Devin rolled his eyes at me. "I'm going to sew the rip in your pants, silly."
I kicked off my black canvas shoes, took off my pants, and handed them to Devin.
"Nice shorts" he said smiling. I was wearing my black boyshorts that had a pink rhinestone skull on the left side.
I laid down on his bed, while he sat on the edge and sewed my pants by hand under the light of the lamp on his nightstand. I watched him in fascination as he carefully stitched my pants, stopping only once to wink at me. Sewing...another thing I couldn't do worth a damn. And when he was done, he folded my pants and placed them on the other side of him. He looked at me, cocking his head to the side and shaking his head with a smile on his face. It was his "Oh Angel, you silly girl" look.
He then got on his hands and knees at the end of the bed, and the mischievous look on his face made me giggle. He proceeded to kiss the toes belonging to the same leg with the skinned knee...then my ankle, my scraped knee, the inside of my thighs, my belly, chest, neck and then my lips. And after we kissed for what seemed like eternity, he looked at me smiling and said "Ok, put on your pants" and got up so fast I barely saw him move. Unaware of the condition he put me in, I put on my pants with trembling hands and almost fell over. That really would have been the icing on the cake. I think if I ever have a daughter I will name her Grace, so that she may have that which I do not.
For the rest of the evening, he seemed to have one main objective.... making me feel better.
We had our usual animated conversations at dinner in the hall, which involved mostly him talking, while I smiled and laughed at his jokes and crazy ideas. Never crazy in a bad way, just never anything I would ever hear from anyone else. Although he was involved in discussions with other people at the table, once in a while he would reach over and touch my hand, squeezing it tight, and smile warmly.
It was in the little moments of silence that I would watch him, notice things that no one else seemed to notice, and become conscious of how much I loved him. So much that I had to fight back tears. The feeling stretches back further than I ever fully realized. And it wasn't just the man I loved.... it was the little boy inside him that I loved too. And I was daydreaming about what a wonderful Dad I knew he would be someday... he would be the hands-on kind, the kind who would take his son or daughter out and actually do things with them, especially since he despised television and preferred to be outdoors. He could play rough, but also be gentle and loving, and patient when his child gets hurt. He would kiss the bruises, and dry the tears, and bandage the knees. If he really never had kids of his own, it would be a shame. A lot of love, care and fun would be lost. He should have a family.
And I couldn't help but think that it would most likely be with someone else....someone far more deserving of this man, who should have a wife and kids who adore him and whom he can be proud of. They would be so lucky indeed. And I would be there watching at a distance, envious and sad, but also happy for him and those who were actually worthy of his love.
My reverie was broken when he wrapped his arms tightly around me from behind. No one else was at the table, and I wondered how long I had disappeared from reality.
"Ready?" he asked.
"You know it", I said.
He took my hand and we walked back to the dorm, enjoying the beautiful night and looking up at the stars. He pointed out his favorites and told me things I never knew about them. Time always flew by with him, and it felt more like we were flying than walking. He took me in his arms and twirled me around, and I felt light headed and dizzy..... and very happy.
Back at the dorm, I opened the door to my room to let us in, and once I closed it behind us he immediately pulled me toward him and kissed me. He laid me on the bed gently, kissing my neck and my ears...which he knew drove me crazy. We took off each others' clothes playfully, throwing them across the room, knocking a framed picture off the wall and a mug filled with pens off my desk. He began to kiss me more urgently and pinned my hands down with his. My heart started beating wildly, and a strange mixture of excitement and fear pulsated through me. It quickly became overwhelming and I knew I was either going to be sick or he was going to make me come.
"Can Kat come out and play?" he whispered.
The question sent a signal to my brain, and a warm tingly rush of energy throughout my entire body.... from my head to my toes. The moment before the blackness was always one of pure bliss. And I had always wanted to experience what transpired following that feeling, rather than be told about it later (if I was lucky) like I was a minor character in the subplot of a story.
Instead, I remember arching my back and letting out a moan I wasn't sure had even come from me.
From that moment and for presumably the rest of the evening, I was in a dark room, alone with my thoughts and a chess board. My opponent invisible to me. "I'm sorry, but that's a game you cannot play", she said.
Checkmate.
I waited patiently to be called back again.
©Carrie-Ellen as Kat Matheson, 2009-2011, Picker Penguin Press
"I just skinned my knee and elbow...no big deal." There was a huge gash in my pants and my right knee was bloody.
He put my leg over his lap, cleaned up my knee and elbow and put bandages on them. No complaints, no "what are you some kind of idiot?" like someone else would say.
"I feel like such an idiot", I said.
"You just need more practice... and more appropriate clothing. That's all."
My pride was hurt more than anything... and I wanted this to be something we could do together without incident. It was important to me not to screw that up. It was also important to me to practice before I went out with him though. There had been no chance to practice before Devin surprised me. I wanted to surprise HIM by riding well.
"Do you want to try again, or should we make it another time?" he asked.
I really wanted to try again... but when I could do it right. I felt like at that point I was just getting back up to fail again. He probably wouldn't have minded, but it wasn't the way I wanted it to go. I felt the sense of unworthiness returning... how could Devin love someone who was afraid of her own shadow and couldn't do something so simple without failng? A man in love with bikes... and I had to dump mine in front of him.
"I think I embarrassed myself enough for one day", I said.
He could tell I was disappointed with myself, so didn't push the issue. "It's all good you know", he said smiling. He could always comfort me in a way no one else could, and sometimes without saying anything.
"I know", I said. But I didn't really believe it.
The bikes were carefully placed in the rack outside the dorm. He put an arm around me and we walked inside and toward his bedroom. With an evil grin on his face he said, "Take your pants off."
"I'm not really in the mood right now", I said.
Devin rolled his eyes at me. "I'm going to sew the rip in your pants, silly."
I kicked off my black canvas shoes, took off my pants, and handed them to Devin.
"Nice shorts" he said smiling. I was wearing my black boyshorts that had a pink rhinestone skull on the left side.
I laid down on his bed, while he sat on the edge and sewed my pants by hand under the light of the lamp on his nightstand. I watched him in fascination as he carefully stitched my pants, stopping only once to wink at me. Sewing...another thing I couldn't do worth a damn. And when he was done, he folded my pants and placed them on the other side of him. He looked at me, cocking his head to the side and shaking his head with a smile on his face. It was his "Oh Angel, you silly girl" look.
He then got on his hands and knees at the end of the bed, and the mischievous look on his face made me giggle. He proceeded to kiss the toes belonging to the same leg with the skinned knee...then my ankle, my scraped knee, the inside of my thighs, my belly, chest, neck and then my lips. And after we kissed for what seemed like eternity, he looked at me smiling and said "Ok, put on your pants" and got up so fast I barely saw him move. Unaware of the condition he put me in, I put on my pants with trembling hands and almost fell over. That really would have been the icing on the cake. I think if I ever have a daughter I will name her Grace, so that she may have that which I do not.
For the rest of the evening, he seemed to have one main objective.... making me feel better.
We had our usual animated conversations at dinner in the hall, which involved mostly him talking, while I smiled and laughed at his jokes and crazy ideas. Never crazy in a bad way, just never anything I would ever hear from anyone else. Although he was involved in discussions with other people at the table, once in a while he would reach over and touch my hand, squeezing it tight, and smile warmly.
It was in the little moments of silence that I would watch him, notice things that no one else seemed to notice, and become conscious of how much I loved him. So much that I had to fight back tears. The feeling stretches back further than I ever fully realized. And it wasn't just the man I loved.... it was the little boy inside him that I loved too. And I was daydreaming about what a wonderful Dad I knew he would be someday... he would be the hands-on kind, the kind who would take his son or daughter out and actually do things with them, especially since he despised television and preferred to be outdoors. He could play rough, but also be gentle and loving, and patient when his child gets hurt. He would kiss the bruises, and dry the tears, and bandage the knees. If he really never had kids of his own, it would be a shame. A lot of love, care and fun would be lost. He should have a family.
And I couldn't help but think that it would most likely be with someone else....someone far more deserving of this man, who should have a wife and kids who adore him and whom he can be proud of. They would be so lucky indeed. And I would be there watching at a distance, envious and sad, but also happy for him and those who were actually worthy of his love.
My reverie was broken when he wrapped his arms tightly around me from behind. No one else was at the table, and I wondered how long I had disappeared from reality.
"Ready?" he asked.
"You know it", I said.
He took my hand and we walked back to the dorm, enjoying the beautiful night and looking up at the stars. He pointed out his favorites and told me things I never knew about them. Time always flew by with him, and it felt more like we were flying than walking. He took me in his arms and twirled me around, and I felt light headed and dizzy..... and very happy.
Back at the dorm, I opened the door to my room to let us in, and once I closed it behind us he immediately pulled me toward him and kissed me. He laid me on the bed gently, kissing my neck and my ears...which he knew drove me crazy. We took off each others' clothes playfully, throwing them across the room, knocking a framed picture off the wall and a mug filled with pens off my desk. He began to kiss me more urgently and pinned my hands down with his. My heart started beating wildly, and a strange mixture of excitement and fear pulsated through me. It quickly became overwhelming and I knew I was either going to be sick or he was going to make me come.
"Can Kat come out and play?" he whispered.
The question sent a signal to my brain, and a warm tingly rush of energy throughout my entire body.... from my head to my toes. The moment before the blackness was always one of pure bliss. And I had always wanted to experience what transpired following that feeling, rather than be told about it later (if I was lucky) like I was a minor character in the subplot of a story.
Instead, I remember arching my back and letting out a moan I wasn't sure had even come from me.
From that moment and for presumably the rest of the evening, I was in a dark room, alone with my thoughts and a chess board. My opponent invisible to me. "I'm sorry, but that's a game you cannot play", she said.
Checkmate.
I waited patiently to be called back again.
©Carrie-Ellen as Kat Matheson, 2009-2011, Picker Penguin Press
Friday, January 20, 2012
Super Vegetable Soup
This soup is great for eating during a de-tox week. When not de-toxing, this soup is also great and hearty with added beans and protein. This is particular great during cold winter months.
Servings - 8-10
Preparation Time - 45mn
Ingredients:
1/2 cup minced onion
2 tbsp minced garlic
2 cups shredded green cabbage
1/2 cup shredded chard or collard greens
1/2 cup green beans
1/2 cup chopped asparagus
1/2 cup chopped red or orange pepper
1/2 cup diced zucchini
3 cups organic vegetable broth
1 can crushed tomatoes (no salt or sugar added)
1 tbsp tomato paste
1/2 tsp basil
1/4 tsp oregano
1/2 tsp cumin (optional)
1/4 tsp chili powder
Preparation:
1. Wipe large saucepan with olive oil or grapeseed oil
2. Saute garlic, onion, and peppers over low heat (approx. 5 mn)
3. Add borth and other veggies (except zucchini)
4. Bring to a boil
5. Add zucchini
6. Lower heat and simmer covered for 15mn.
You can add tobasco or Jamaican Jerk sauce to liven this up.
ENJOY :)
Servings - 8-10
Preparation Time - 45mn
Ingredients:
1/2 cup minced onion
2 tbsp minced garlic
2 cups shredded green cabbage
1/2 cup shredded chard or collard greens
1/2 cup green beans
1/2 cup chopped asparagus
1/2 cup chopped red or orange pepper
1/2 cup diced zucchini
3 cups organic vegetable broth
1 can crushed tomatoes (no salt or sugar added)
1 tbsp tomato paste
1/2 tsp basil
1/4 tsp oregano
1/2 tsp cumin (optional)
1/4 tsp chili powder
Preparation:
1. Wipe large saucepan with olive oil or grapeseed oil
2. Saute garlic, onion, and peppers over low heat (approx. 5 mn)
3. Add borth and other veggies (except zucchini)
4. Bring to a boil
5. Add zucchini
6. Lower heat and simmer covered for 15mn.
You can add tobasco or Jamaican Jerk sauce to liven this up.
ENJOY :)
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Best Compliment
Ever since I've been casually dating Ray again, I've had to get used to something I haven't had in a very long time..... compliments.... from a MAN. It's been nice to say the least.
And today I got a funny one that made me blush.....
"You have this aura about you that would make a statue erect."
I wish I could enter that one in a contest, because its definitely a winner :)
I'm not sure where this is going or if it is going anywhere.... but its certainly nice to have someone saying nice things to me, and looking forward to my hugs. Most men avoid me like the plague.
Last night he took me out to O'Connor's in Worcester (for a belated birthday dinner), which is an awesome Irish restaurant with a huge menu and great selection of beers. I had a really nice time. He kept reaching across the table to hold my hand, and every time I had something to say he listened very attentively.
Whether we're just friends or end up as more than that (again), I'm definitely glad to have him back in my life.
And today I got a funny one that made me blush.....
"You have this aura about you that would make a statue erect."
I wish I could enter that one in a contest, because its definitely a winner :)
I'm not sure where this is going or if it is going anywhere.... but its certainly nice to have someone saying nice things to me, and looking forward to my hugs. Most men avoid me like the plague.
Last night he took me out to O'Connor's in Worcester (for a belated birthday dinner), which is an awesome Irish restaurant with a huge menu and great selection of beers. I had a really nice time. He kept reaching across the table to hold my hand, and every time I had something to say he listened very attentively.
Whether we're just friends or end up as more than that (again), I'm definitely glad to have him back in my life.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Kind Words Make the Best Birthday Gifts :)
Today is my birthday..... the big 3-7 :) . I've been complaining about it, and I get a little angry at my aging body these days (which is uncalled for considering I can do a lot more now than I even could a few years ago thanks to keeping in shape).... but I am grateful for all the good things in my life. Even the bad stuff has taught me a lot and I wouldn't exchange or take anything back.
My nieces, grandmother, sister and mom all called to sing to me.... which is something they all do every year, separately or together. That's always nice and entertaining :) . My sister shares the same birthday, and I think my littlest nieces are finally grasping that concept and what it means.... it used to greatly confuse them. Now they think its cool.
The best, and only, gifts I have gotten for my birthday, have come from two great men in my life. My friend from college (who I had a big crush on back then), Roger, sent me a sweet birthday card and wrote the following inscription inside (I am a SUCKER for handwritten anything, since its usually a rare occurrence these days):
"Carrie, I hope you have a wonderful birthday and a great year....you deserve it! Take care of yourself and keep your chin up! Enjoy life to the fullest whenever possible! Love, Roger"
Roger also drew an adorable picture beside his name.... which I assume is supposed to be him with his glasses on. I absolutely love it.
The other kind words came from Ray, the man I dated 10 years ago and just started dating again a few weeks ago. He sent me a text message early this morning which said,
"Carrie, you've gone through a lot in the last few years. Where most people would stumble or falter, you've faced each obstacle with tremendous inner strength and will. You're a powerful, generous, brilliant, and beautiful woman. Happy Birthday!"
Then he went on to say that he wants to see me in Batman boyshorts (the female equivalent of boxers which because of the style tends to lend itself to funny designs) someday..... ever since he accompanied me at the laundromat a few weeks ago, he's been mentioning those a lot. I keep having to tell him that I won't be ready for anyone to see me in those for quite a while...... I think he knows but just likes to flirt. Flirting is nice after so long, but that's where I have to draw the line for now.
Along with the 121 Birthday wishes on Facebook, I got one from a guy named Jason, who I babysat when he was little. He said, "Happy Birthday, to the better twin!" then went on to tell me not to check my sister's Facebook page :)
I bought myself a birthday gift, which I had been waiting to come back in stock at Uncommon Goods for a long time. It's a doormat with a bicycle on it, made of coconut fiber. At first it seemed like a silly investment, especially since I don't know if I have a future in my current home, or if I will be going through foreclosure or doing a short sale. But I am making a last ditch effort with my share of the tax refund..... I will be hiring an attorney to work with my mortgage company on modifying my loan down to a 1% interest rate. If it works, it will be cheaper than moving, and will save me about $400-500 per month. It would also make it so that I could afford to make improvements and basically move out, move back in and start with a clean slate. So I see the doormat as being something that confirms my commitment to again trying to save my home. I wanted to at least be able to say "I tried everything and did what I could" before moving out and saying goodbye to the home I've fought to keep since 2005. Its not a palace, but I have visions of what I'd like to do if I can one day afford to..... and being able to have the loan modified to the point where I could keep it without needing a roommate.... would be a huge motivation.
I'm hoping for a good year. Not just for me..... for my husband on his own, my family and friends. I wish everyone many blessings.
My nieces, grandmother, sister and mom all called to sing to me.... which is something they all do every year, separately or together. That's always nice and entertaining :) . My sister shares the same birthday, and I think my littlest nieces are finally grasping that concept and what it means.... it used to greatly confuse them. Now they think its cool.
The best, and only, gifts I have gotten for my birthday, have come from two great men in my life. My friend from college (who I had a big crush on back then), Roger, sent me a sweet birthday card and wrote the following inscription inside (I am a SUCKER for handwritten anything, since its usually a rare occurrence these days):
"Carrie, I hope you have a wonderful birthday and a great year....you deserve it! Take care of yourself and keep your chin up! Enjoy life to the fullest whenever possible! Love, Roger"
Roger also drew an adorable picture beside his name.... which I assume is supposed to be him with his glasses on. I absolutely love it.
The other kind words came from Ray, the man I dated 10 years ago and just started dating again a few weeks ago. He sent me a text message early this morning which said,
"Carrie, you've gone through a lot in the last few years. Where most people would stumble or falter, you've faced each obstacle with tremendous inner strength and will. You're a powerful, generous, brilliant, and beautiful woman. Happy Birthday!"
Then he went on to say that he wants to see me in Batman boyshorts (the female equivalent of boxers which because of the style tends to lend itself to funny designs) someday..... ever since he accompanied me at the laundromat a few weeks ago, he's been mentioning those a lot. I keep having to tell him that I won't be ready for anyone to see me in those for quite a while...... I think he knows but just likes to flirt. Flirting is nice after so long, but that's where I have to draw the line for now.
Along with the 121 Birthday wishes on Facebook, I got one from a guy named Jason, who I babysat when he was little. He said, "Happy Birthday, to the better twin!" then went on to tell me not to check my sister's Facebook page :)
I bought myself a birthday gift, which I had been waiting to come back in stock at Uncommon Goods for a long time. It's a doormat with a bicycle on it, made of coconut fiber. At first it seemed like a silly investment, especially since I don't know if I have a future in my current home, or if I will be going through foreclosure or doing a short sale. But I am making a last ditch effort with my share of the tax refund..... I will be hiring an attorney to work with my mortgage company on modifying my loan down to a 1% interest rate. If it works, it will be cheaper than moving, and will save me about $400-500 per month. It would also make it so that I could afford to make improvements and basically move out, move back in and start with a clean slate. So I see the doormat as being something that confirms my commitment to again trying to save my home. I wanted to at least be able to say "I tried everything and did what I could" before moving out and saying goodbye to the home I've fought to keep since 2005. Its not a palace, but I have visions of what I'd like to do if I can one day afford to..... and being able to have the loan modified to the point where I could keep it without needing a roommate.... would be a huge motivation.
I'm hoping for a good year. Not just for me..... for my husband on his own, my family and friends. I wish everyone many blessings.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Enough: A Realistic Fairytale
The Princess had been kept in a dungeon without food and water for days. She passed the time singing to herself... songs from her childhood...a happier time. She thought about her mother brushing her long auburn hair and telling her stories when she was a little girl. In these stories, Princesses were treated... well...like Princesses. And they were loved by handsome Princes. The men weren't always royalty...a man could be handsome and wise and possess the qualities of a Prince. This Princess enjoyed stories of a love hard won. Of love triumphing over everything. The Prince simply had to be a kind man with the capacity for love. That's all that was ever needed.
As she was thinking back to those stories, the gruff guardians of Covington Castle came for her. One of the guards, with his eyes averted and emotionless, opened the gate of the dungeon. "The King is waiting for you", he said sternly. The other guards proceeded to remove her shackles and wrap a cloak around her naked body.
"Funny", she thought only to herself. "I almost feel free."
And just as she finished thinking that thought, one of the guards grabbed her wrists and tied them in chains tightly at her back.
The guards were as rough as they could be in handling her on the long walk down the corrider, to where the King awaited her. It was clear that they knew who she was and what she had done. Yet at the same time, she felt invisable. Their eyes were fixated straight ahead, their faces void of any expression. She supposed that's what they were paid to do. Yet she wanted to scream... even without the shackles, this was too much like every other experience she had ever had.
The Princess always longed for something different. And that was how she got here.
One of the guards opened the huge heavy door to the King's Hall, and it creaked open loudly, announcing her arrival.
There, perched on their thrones were the King and his son Prince Ofnothing. One of the guards removed the chains from her wrists. The Princess was made to stand in front of the King and his son, and as much as she hated it, she knew what she had to do next. With what she felt just might be her last bit of strength, she knelt before them and bowed her head.
"Princess, you are aware of the actions that have lead you to this point. What say you of your misdeeds?"
"With all due respect Your Majesty", the Princess replied, "I have been kept in your dark dungeon for days now. I am thirsty, and have suffered many cruelties at the hands of your guards. Yet, I feel I've done nothing wrong."
"Nonsense!" Yelled the King. He then stood up from his throne, and his gait towered above as he looked down upon her. "You are here because you dared seek a life outside of this castle. You are guilty of wanting that which you do not deserve!"
"With all due respect Your Graciousness, I implore you to please tell me why that is a crime?" said the Princess.
"My son has provided you with everything you need. You have a place to live... the wine cellar is plentiful....you have gowns fit for a Queen. And yet you have disrespected him."
The Princess looked over at Prince Ofnothing, and saw...well...nothing. He was there of course, as he always was, but she felt with him the same way she did with the guards of Covington Castle. She felt invisable. In her eyes, there was nothing worse than this feeling. She felt that she would search every dwelling in the village to find a man who could look at her with love in his eyes.
The Princess was always so close to finding love...so close in fact, that she thought many times she had actually found it. She mistook action for feeling... it was only recently that she realized any man would share his bed with any woman. Sometimes it took the right lighting or just the right amount of wine... but it was true. The Princess didn't want to be just any woman.... she wanted to be herself. And even more complicated....she wanted to be loved for being herself.
Prince Ofnothing thought he knew the Princess. But in truth, he never noticed her. All he cared about was having a warm body in his bed... someone to fire orders at and cater to his every need. He had no idea how much she loved the ocean... or that she loved to write and paint. Her notebooks and paintings were always around... but he would never look at them. He didn't know how badly she had been hurt in the past.... and he didn't care to know.
"Shhhh...." he would say. "These trivialities mean nothing to me."
So when she saw Sir Bravebiker, she saw hope. He had been there all along, and she had always felt a connection to him, for as long as she could remember. She had always found him handsome and smart, not to mention incredibly interesting. She had come to realize what a gift he had been in her life.
She was possessed with a desire to know him...but because she had never had any good experiences, she was afraid that he would not want to know her in return. So she visited him with a veil covering her face. In the time they spent together, he was convinced that the Princess was a dream come true for him. But when she revealed herself... Sir Bravebiker left her without saying a word.
Sir Bravebiker had broken the Princess' heart. And more so than any other man ever had....he was the first one who seemed to care about who she was inside. So when she revealed herself, and he said not a single word... it only proved to her something she had always feared. The Princess finally knew for certain that she would never be enough for anyone.
The Princess was overcome with sadness remembering the man she loved, who did not love her back. She lay on the floor with tears flowing from her eyes.
She was brought back to the present by the feel of the King crushing her weak right hand with his boot.
"Look at you!" he said. "You disgust me!"
Her eyes drifted to Prince Ofnothing, who had stepped down from his throne and now looked down upon her as well.
"You will never be good enough", he said. "And for that you must die."
He kicked her in the place her heart once was. The final blow to her body and soul was too much.
Just before the Princess succombed on the floor of the Great Hall, her final thought came to her...
"Now I am free."
--Based on a dream
©Carrie-Ellen, 2010
As she was thinking back to those stories, the gruff guardians of Covington Castle came for her. One of the guards, with his eyes averted and emotionless, opened the gate of the dungeon. "The King is waiting for you", he said sternly. The other guards proceeded to remove her shackles and wrap a cloak around her naked body.
"Funny", she thought only to herself. "I almost feel free."
And just as she finished thinking that thought, one of the guards grabbed her wrists and tied them in chains tightly at her back.
The guards were as rough as they could be in handling her on the long walk down the corrider, to where the King awaited her. It was clear that they knew who she was and what she had done. Yet at the same time, she felt invisable. Their eyes were fixated straight ahead, their faces void of any expression. She supposed that's what they were paid to do. Yet she wanted to scream... even without the shackles, this was too much like every other experience she had ever had.
The Princess always longed for something different. And that was how she got here.
One of the guards opened the huge heavy door to the King's Hall, and it creaked open loudly, announcing her arrival.
There, perched on their thrones were the King and his son Prince Ofnothing. One of the guards removed the chains from her wrists. The Princess was made to stand in front of the King and his son, and as much as she hated it, she knew what she had to do next. With what she felt just might be her last bit of strength, she knelt before them and bowed her head.
"Princess, you are aware of the actions that have lead you to this point. What say you of your misdeeds?"
"With all due respect Your Majesty", the Princess replied, "I have been kept in your dark dungeon for days now. I am thirsty, and have suffered many cruelties at the hands of your guards. Yet, I feel I've done nothing wrong."
"Nonsense!" Yelled the King. He then stood up from his throne, and his gait towered above as he looked down upon her. "You are here because you dared seek a life outside of this castle. You are guilty of wanting that which you do not deserve!"
"With all due respect Your Graciousness, I implore you to please tell me why that is a crime?" said the Princess.
"My son has provided you with everything you need. You have a place to live... the wine cellar is plentiful....you have gowns fit for a Queen. And yet you have disrespected him."
The Princess looked over at Prince Ofnothing, and saw...well...nothing. He was there of course, as he always was, but she felt with him the same way she did with the guards of Covington Castle. She felt invisable. In her eyes, there was nothing worse than this feeling. She felt that she would search every dwelling in the village to find a man who could look at her with love in his eyes.
The Princess was always so close to finding love...so close in fact, that she thought many times she had actually found it. She mistook action for feeling... it was only recently that she realized any man would share his bed with any woman. Sometimes it took the right lighting or just the right amount of wine... but it was true. The Princess didn't want to be just any woman.... she wanted to be herself. And even more complicated....she wanted to be loved for being herself.
Prince Ofnothing thought he knew the Princess. But in truth, he never noticed her. All he cared about was having a warm body in his bed... someone to fire orders at and cater to his every need. He had no idea how much she loved the ocean... or that she loved to write and paint. Her notebooks and paintings were always around... but he would never look at them. He didn't know how badly she had been hurt in the past.... and he didn't care to know.
"Shhhh...." he would say. "These trivialities mean nothing to me."
So when she saw Sir Bravebiker, she saw hope. He had been there all along, and she had always felt a connection to him, for as long as she could remember. She had always found him handsome and smart, not to mention incredibly interesting. She had come to realize what a gift he had been in her life.
She was possessed with a desire to know him...but because she had never had any good experiences, she was afraid that he would not want to know her in return. So she visited him with a veil covering her face. In the time they spent together, he was convinced that the Princess was a dream come true for him. But when she revealed herself... Sir Bravebiker left her without saying a word.
Sir Bravebiker had broken the Princess' heart. And more so than any other man ever had....he was the first one who seemed to care about who she was inside. So when she revealed herself, and he said not a single word... it only proved to her something she had always feared. The Princess finally knew for certain that she would never be enough for anyone.
The Princess was overcome with sadness remembering the man she loved, who did not love her back. She lay on the floor with tears flowing from her eyes.
She was brought back to the present by the feel of the King crushing her weak right hand with his boot.
"Look at you!" he said. "You disgust me!"
Her eyes drifted to Prince Ofnothing, who had stepped down from his throne and now looked down upon her as well.
"You will never be good enough", he said. "And for that you must die."
He kicked her in the place her heart once was. The final blow to her body and soul was too much.
Just before the Princess succombed on the floor of the Great Hall, her final thought came to her...
"Now I am free."
--Based on a dream
©Carrie-Ellen, 2010
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Full Moon in Cancer Tonight
Tonight the Full Moon will be in the sign of Cancer, at 12:30AM EST on January 9th. This evening will be a great time to connect with the full moon energy at its peak.
Cancer is a Water sign, which means emotions will be very high. It is a great time to do divination, since water signs help you to connect with your intuition. The Moon in Cancer also has a great deal to do with family.... so spend time with your family and whoever that is to you.... be it relatives, close friends or familiars. Cancer is also involved in the past.... so you could do something as simple as work on a scrapbook or something heavy as working on healing an old would from the past. Other great activities for the home and family oriented Cancer Moon would be to clean your house, move furniture, or buy a new item that has personal representation and meaning for you.
Another wonderful activity for this evening would be to take advantage of heightened emotional awareness, and explore how you feel about certain individuals in your life. Think of a certain person who has been on your mind lately -- close your eyes and picture them. Let your attention drop down and breathe into your navel and midriff area, where we feel our emotions.... and breathe deeper and deeper. Try to block out random thoughts and just let your feelings rise. If you've been ignoring your feelings for this person, it could take several minutes to unblock and let your feelings through. Once you've felt what you've needed to feel.... move on to as many people as you would like. This activity can definitely help in clarifying your feelings and allowing them to be felt, whatever they are.
Cancer is a Water sign, which means emotions will be very high. It is a great time to do divination, since water signs help you to connect with your intuition. The Moon in Cancer also has a great deal to do with family.... so spend time with your family and whoever that is to you.... be it relatives, close friends or familiars. Cancer is also involved in the past.... so you could do something as simple as work on a scrapbook or something heavy as working on healing an old would from the past. Other great activities for the home and family oriented Cancer Moon would be to clean your house, move furniture, or buy a new item that has personal representation and meaning for you.
Another wonderful activity for this evening would be to take advantage of heightened emotional awareness, and explore how you feel about certain individuals in your life. Think of a certain person who has been on your mind lately -- close your eyes and picture them. Let your attention drop down and breathe into your navel and midriff area, where we feel our emotions.... and breathe deeper and deeper. Try to block out random thoughts and just let your feelings rise. If you've been ignoring your feelings for this person, it could take several minutes to unblock and let your feelings through. Once you've felt what you've needed to feel.... move on to as many people as you would like. This activity can definitely help in clarifying your feelings and allowing them to be felt, whatever they are.
Saturday, January 07, 2012
Using Sinicuichi and Road Opener for Dream Work
I'd like to start this post first by saying that I'm not trying to condone the use of drugs, particularly the use of narcotics, in any kind of ritual or self-improvement experimentation. I'm also not condoning the use of Sinicuichi, just to note my own experiences with it and to pass it on to others.
Sinicuichi is currently legal in the United States, and can be purchased online, I purchased mine at herbalfire.com . Little is known about its early use among the Aztecs, but it is still used by Shamans in Central and South America as a divination tool, and it has also been used as medicine for a variety of illnesses and symptoms. It is called the "Sun Opener", which refers to the golden tinged vision people often experience after using it. It is a mild hallucinogen that causes a feeling of slight intoxication, giddiness, drowsiness, improved memory, muscle relaxation, auditory hallucinations, reduced blood pressure, etc.
The most common way to use Sinicuichi is to extract it with a simple boiling method, and then drink it as a tea or smoke it. Drinking it is the more potent method. However, I just grind the wilted plant when I receive it, roll it in rolling papers and then smoke it in the evening on occasion. It produces a lot of smoke that way, and the effects of it are somewhat less than using the extraction method first. I find I have to smoke a few before any effects start to "hit" me, and they are mild at best.
For me, the effects of Sinicuichi have been useful in dream work, particularly exploring past issues and past lives. Smoking it has helped me dream lucidly without the usual efforts to relax, and it speeds up the process. The use of Road Opener Oil (which can be made or purchased online) dabbed on the temple along with the process, after smoking and during relaxation exercises, has assisted me with my endeavors in the astral plane. When I awaken, I have quite a few useful experiences to write down and new insight about myself. I can imagine other oils aside from Road Opener, could be used with success as well, depending on the goals one has for the experience.
You can read about others' experiences with Sinicuichi here:
Sinicuichi Experiences
Again, this is not for everyone, and I encourage you to think about whether it is for you before you try it.
Sinicuichi is currently legal in the United States, and can be purchased online, I purchased mine at herbalfire.com . Little is known about its early use among the Aztecs, but it is still used by Shamans in Central and South America as a divination tool, and it has also been used as medicine for a variety of illnesses and symptoms. It is called the "Sun Opener", which refers to the golden tinged vision people often experience after using it. It is a mild hallucinogen that causes a feeling of slight intoxication, giddiness, drowsiness, improved memory, muscle relaxation, auditory hallucinations, reduced blood pressure, etc.
The most common way to use Sinicuichi is to extract it with a simple boiling method, and then drink it as a tea or smoke it. Drinking it is the more potent method. However, I just grind the wilted plant when I receive it, roll it in rolling papers and then smoke it in the evening on occasion. It produces a lot of smoke that way, and the effects of it are somewhat less than using the extraction method first. I find I have to smoke a few before any effects start to "hit" me, and they are mild at best.
For me, the effects of Sinicuichi have been useful in dream work, particularly exploring past issues and past lives. Smoking it has helped me dream lucidly without the usual efforts to relax, and it speeds up the process. The use of Road Opener Oil (which can be made or purchased online) dabbed on the temple along with the process, after smoking and during relaxation exercises, has assisted me with my endeavors in the astral plane. When I awaken, I have quite a few useful experiences to write down and new insight about myself. I can imagine other oils aside from Road Opener, could be used with success as well, depending on the goals one has for the experience.
You can read about others' experiences with Sinicuichi here:
Sinicuichi Experiences
Again, this is not for everyone, and I encourage you to think about whether it is for you before you try it.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
On the Horizon
If you live in or around New Hampshire, I wanted to give you a heads up about some things that are going on if you are a Pagan or just an open minded individual who would like to expand your horizons.
First, I wanted to suggest that if you are like me and "hunger" for activity with people of like mind, you may want to consider friending the following organizations on Facebook: Temple of Witchcraft (founded by the wonderful author Christopher Penczak), Myths & Maidens (a metaphysical shop in Manchester NH which offers classes and special rituals), In the Lap of the Goddess Productions, and New England Pagans and Witches. All of these organizations offer events and rituals for Pagans (or people who are just open minded and curious) to attend. Its a good way to network and put yourself out there in the community.
I also recommend requesting to be added to the newsletter of Misty Meadows Herbal Center in Durham NH. Their website address is: http://www.mistymeadows.org . They too have wonderful classes, geared more toward herbalism, reiki and natural healing. They also have rituals that are open to the general public.
Temple of Witchcraft, though their Sabbat rituals are open to the public, its important to note that their full moon rituals are only open to Temple members who are attending their seminary school. This isn't always obvious in their event listings.
That being said, here are some wonderful events going on this month, most of which I intend to go to, and I'm looking forward to attending and I hope to see some familiar faces and meet some new people.....
Full Moon Ritual offered by Lap of the Goddess Productions: Sunday, January 8, 2012 at 7PM. This is taking place at the Cambridge Masonic Hall in Cambridge MA
Temple Book Club offered by Temple of Witchcraft. Sunday January 8th at 1:00 PM in Salem, NH. Join us for discussion of a new book each week. This month's book will be The Cauldron of Memory by Raven Grimassi. Contact pisces@templeofwitchcraft.org for more information.
Class and Open Circle on Songspells offered by the North Shore Witches on Meetup. Sunday January 8, 2012 at 6PM at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Haverhill MA. Music plays an important role in magick, even when not in a formal ritual setting. It is not just theater used to set the mood. It is a way of expressing honor and connecting to the spirits. A re-commitment to music can bring sacredness not only to rituals, but also into daily life and home, bringing you back in balance. When you reflect on the magick, energy and wonderful people that music can bring into your life, you will be truly thankful! As usual, class begins at 6PM with Open Circle to begin at 7:30PM
Class and Open Circle on Songspells offered by the North Shore Witches on Meetup. Sunday January 8, 2012 at 6PM at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Haverhill MA. Music plays an important role in magick, even when not in a formal ritual setting. It is not just theater used to set the mood. It is a way of expressing honor and connecting to the spirits. A re-commitment to music can bring sacredness not only to rituals, but also into daily life and home, bringing you back in balance. When you reflect on the magick, energy and wonderful people that music can bring into your life, you will be truly thankful! As usual, class begins at 6PM with Open Circle to begin at 7:30PM
Pagan Pizza Party at La Festa Brick and Brew in Dover NH: Thursday, January 12, 2012 at
7PM. I may attend this since its on my birthday, I have never been and
have no other plans that day. This event is put on by the wonderful
Deirdre Hebert, a DJ on PaganFM.
Women's Circle offered by Temple of Witchcraft. January 14th at 7:00 PM in Salem, NH.
All women are welcome to join the Cancer Ministry in "Dreaming in the
Bear Cave" during this month's women's circle, a powerful ritual not to
be missed! Contact cancer@templeofwitchcraft.org for more information.
Witch in the Woods offered by Temple of Witchcraft. January 15th, 11:00 AM to 2:00 PM.
The Taurus Ministry offers our "Witch in the Woods" nature walks and
meditations. This month we'll explore a portion of the trails of the
Musquash Conservation Area in Londonderry, NH. Email wren@templeofwitchcraft.org for more information.
Prosperity Ritual offered by Myths and Maidens in Manchester NH. January 21st at 7:00 PM in Manchester, NH. for this free public ritual
to secure prosperity in the new year! Facilitated by Aurielle.
Reiki Healing Magick class & Healing Circle offered by Temple of Witchcraft. January 25th at 7:00 PM in Salem, NH.
Reiki and magick work well together. They both connect to the universal
consciousness and the divine, but in their own ways. This class
examines how to combine Reiki with magick, rituals, and meditation to
help empower you and your clients. The class is a good introduction to
those who have not taken a Reiki attunement and helpful for those who
have. The class is from 7 PM to 8:30 PM for a $15 donation, followed by a
short break before the healing ritual from 8:45 PM to 9:30 PM, which is
free and open to all.
Queer Spirit Circle offered by Temple of Witchcraft. January 26th at 7:00 PM in Salem, NH. The
Temple's Gemini Ministry is responsible for the "Queer Mysteries".
Gemini lead minister Steve Kenson invites men who love men-whether
identifying as gay or bisexual-to attend this inaugural meeting of the
Temple's Queer Spirit Circle to explore those mysteries from the male
perspective. Email gemini@templeofwitchcraft.org for more information.
To see the 2012 schedule of classes (which includes several for January) offered by Misty Meadows, please see the following website: http://www.mistymeadows.org/classes.htm
I hope to see you around :)
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