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"Our lives are a book that has already been written. The brilliance of the plan is that we are only given a chapter at a time..." ~A. Drayton Boylston

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Just Another Check Mark

So tonight I was able to put a tick on my to-do list.

I joined OkCupid.  I hate dating sites.... but I hate sitting at home alone even more.  And I hate the bar scene, the club scene, and pretty much all the "typical" ways one could meet that "someone special."

OkCupid is also free....which is a big selling point.

I've been kind of lazy about putting myself out there.  The most important reason being that my heart is still very much with someone.  And even though it is unrequited....part of me has been waiting and hoping.  I blame this on my belief that this particular person would be good for me.... and my belief in anything being possible.  And maybe I should also blame it on every romantic movie I've ever watched that had a happy ending.

Another reason for the delay....I am also still hurt by my broken marriage.  I know that we will not get back together, and that we weren't right for each other.  But the feeling that I failed and will fail again can be a little overwhelming at times.  I also really wanted a family.... and I think I missed the boat.

My relationship with the last person I dated ended over the summer.... and I am still hurt by that as well.  It was the first time I had let my guard down with someone since separating from my husband, and the person I was dating had assured me that he had changed (we had dated ten years before).  I spent a lot of time getting reacquainted with him, trusting him (which is difficult for me), being intimate with him, and being supportive of him.  Only to find that he was still seeing someone else, he hadn't changed at all, and didn't want me in his life as much as I wanted him in mine.  He wanted me as a bed partner more than anything else.... I noticed that after we were intimate his attitude toward me changed and he no longer made much effort to communicate.  Although I believe that no relationship is ever a waste of time.... as people always have something to teach us.... it ended abruptly and I was left to feel unimportant and cheated. 

And more recently... I realized that I really liked someone and wouldn't mind dating him....only to be too slow to act, and too shy.  Therefore...he found someone else.

I think if there is anything that makes me feel better.... its knowing that none of us are perfect.  I feel like a lot of men expect the perfect woman....with the perfect body, no baggage, and young.  But we all have our flaws.  Women just seem to have a more forgiving attitude when it comes to people they date.  I feel that as we age though.... women's value seems to degrade in the eyes of men, and men's value seems to increase in the eyes of women.

I don't really expect very much to come out of joining a dating site.... but I am hoping to at least meet a few interesting people, and be able to go out and enjoy myself a little more.  If anything else, maybe it will take my mind off my broken heart.  But....I am not quick to meet anyone in that way.... so it will have to be a pretty interesting and engaging person who will keep my attention long enough for me to want to meet him.

Maybe entertainment is about the most I can expect.

Dammit....I'm smart, pretty (everything is in the right place, and I do have some nice features), talented, and have a lot of love to give.  Gifts like that should be shared :)

We all could use a little reprieve once in a while.

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