Sometimes things need to be written about before one forgets.... and dreams usually do fade pretty quickly.
I spent most of the weekend in New Ipswich.... a place I always feel drawn to, and a place of peace for me. This weekend I went because I was to go on a hike with my Mom in law (my soon to be ex's Mom who I still love spending time with), and we were going to have a campfire. We went on the hike, but we didn't end up doing the campfire because it was too chilly.
Although it was a much quieter weekend than I thought it would be, it was still nice to be where my heart is....and has been for a long time.
Last night, when I was the only one awake for a while, I didn't mind. From where I was resting, I could see the stars if I wanted to, and the peace and quiet allowed time to think. That is....until 3am rolled around and my youngest brother in law spent a few hours getting sick and walking around in agony.
When I finally did get to sleep, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamt of the same night, and the man I love kneeling beside me. He rested his head on my chest and started singing to me..... which is highly uncharacteristic of him outside of the dream (I have never heard him sing, but if I had.... I imagine he would have sounded the same as in my dream).
I'm NOT a country music fan.... and the sweet song he sang, I maybe heard a few times before and ages ago, so it is strange that it would even show up in a dream. Some of the lyrics were funny, and in the dream I cried and smiled at the same time.
They say that time takes it's toll on a body
Makes a young girl's brown hair turn gray
But, honey, I don't care, I ain't in love with your hair
And if it all fell out, well, I'd love you anyway
The way he looked at me in the dream is something I hope lingers in my memory for a while. It melted my heart and made tears roll down my cheek.
Oh, darlin'! I'm gonna love you forever, forever and ever, Amen!
As long as old men sit n' talk about the weather
As long as old women sit n' talk about old men
If you wonder how long I'll be faithful
Well, just listen to how this song ends
I'm gonna love you forever and ever, forever and ever, Amen!
Amen???? I'm not religious.... like I said, I barely know this song and its strange that it would be in my dream.
He wrapped both his arms tightly around me and hugged me at the waist, as a stroked the little hair he has left (one of the reasons why part of the song is so funny). And the ache in my heart was suddenly a good ache.... the one of being loved rather than being avoided. It was so good to feel that way.... I had forgotten how nice it was.
For a few minutes after I woke up, I didn't realize the dream wasn't real. I haven't had many dreams that seemed to take place so realistically in the present. And for those few minutes, I was still feeling as happy as I was in my dream. The good ache then returned to the painful heartache I was used to again, and I realized that it wasn't real.
I have nights like this.... where I wish there wasn't so much time left on the clock (or at least, it may seem that way). To feel like part of myself is missing..... and then to try to go about my daily life as if its not... can be pretty difficult. To want to share thoughts and experiences with someone I love and not being able to do that.... hurts. And it hurts even worse knowing that anything I say is either ignored or taken with a grain of salt.
It would be easier if there weren't moments of connection. Or if he didn't look hot in the pants he wears to work. Or if his hugs weren't so warm, comforting and familiar. Or if the gentility and kindness he shows others didn't make me wish I was one of them. I've been longing to mean something to him for many years. I have my good days.... but overall it just seems to get more difficult knowing that I won't. And that I can be quiet and step back.... but even then I am just a pain in the ass.
I doubt last night's dream can be topped anytime soon, but I will surrender to sleep anyway. Most people prefer to read books to escape.... but I prefer to dream. It is my only chance at a happy ending. When I was a little girl I was always told that if I wished for something hard enough, it would come true. And maybe that's why I never stopped wishing.