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"Our lives are a book that has already been written. The brilliance of the plan is that we are only given a chapter at a time..." ~A. Drayton Boylston

Friday, August 10, 2012

Getting Acquainted with Happiness

"Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you." 
-- Hafiz

Lately my brain has been buzzing with ideas..... ranging from basic mechanics for motorizing a bike.... to a future family business dedicated to healing others and getting me closer to my soul's passion.

Creative people tend to be a little nuts..... and I am no exception.  In the past I was more of a tortured soul expressing my thoughts on paper as if they were being channeled from the deepest recesses of hell.  I was often shocked at my own thoughts. Now I find my creativity comes from the positive energy around that I make every effort to absorb like a sponge.  Deep inside me is a longing for peace that has been a long time coming.  I have let go of many past demons.  I have been healing my body and mind.  I have a great deal more work to do.... but as I look back I realize that I have come further than I thought I ever would.

For instance.... I have what I would consider a very healthy appetite and attitude toward sex.  Considering I was raped before I barely had pubic hair.... that is a tremendous accomplishment.  And aside from therapy to integrate parts of myself that had been separated..... no one really taught me to value sex as an intimate and rewarding experience.  I did that on my own, and had some loving partners along the way who have helped.

And in the past few years, I have altered my life for what I believe to be for the better.  Almost 11 years ago, my intuition was telling me that not only was a relationship not right for me.... but showed me the right person.... and I ignored it.  The price I paid was a marriage that had started off fine, but became an abusive and dispassionate contract where I willingly agreed to lose myself.  Self-denial and unhappiness put a dark cloud over my head for quite a while.  My true feelings manifested themselves in the form of walls of clutter around what was supposed to be my home..... but felt more like a prison.  The walls were there to prevent me from dealing with the huge mistake I had made and was to blame for..... and to push my husband out of our home.

That is not something I am proud of at all.  I often feel like I wasted not only a good chunk of my life (which included valuable child bearing years), but his as well.  The warning sign came just before our wedding when we had a huge fight, and he told me that maybe we shouldn't get married.  But we both patched things up quickly and denied the sign we had been given.  Even our wedding day was unhappily chaotic with difficulties popping up relentlessly.... and we ignored that too.

I never even saw myself as getting married.... all I wanted was a partner.

Even though the emotional and physical abuse that started occurring a few years later was difficult to deal with..... as much as my family and others blame my husband, I know that I am also to blame.  For a long time I would not admit that..... it felt ridiculous to say, "I am abused and I am part of the cause." But knowing that has caused me to re-examine my life, and gave me the desire to be true to myself..... finally.... and get my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies more closely aligned.

Sometimes loneliness causes me to slip back into old habits of negative thinking and doubt..... but I know that this time alone is good for me.  When I file for divorce in a few weeks after being separated for seven months, it will be one of the most difficult things I will ever do..... I still care for my husband and wished that our relationship could heal.  But we did try, and we both know that the romantic feelings we once had for each other will never come back.  After years of co-dependency, it is time to let go.  I know that it will be healthy for us in the long run..... we owe it to ourselves and each other to start new chapters in our lives.

Unfortunately letting go for me has meant losing a family (his) that I love dearly and got along well with.  My mother in law and I have had our misunderstandings, but I love her as much as I love my biological Mom.  I think I will always consider her my mother, and I miss her very much.  I have always felt a strong and warm tug toward the area where my inlaws live..... I love the wide open spaces, the quiet areas to commune with nature.... and the essence of love that I feel there.  But there is the expectation of my husband that I no longer associate with his family.  He insists that it wouldn't be normal to do so.  Still, much of my heart is still there and as much as I want to respect my husband's wishes, part of me strongly disagrees.  We don't choose our biological family.... but there are others who are family even though they are not tied to us by blood.

So there has been a lot of change and adjustments lately..... and instead of getting agitated and nervous, I try to get my thoughts and feelings out by journaling and other creative outlets.   I have been surprisingly calm.... I have been meditating, practicing yoga and pilates.... and reminding myself to nourish my body even when I feel miserable.  I eat for fuel as opposed to comfort now..... I have finally eliminated soda, most sweets, and drink a lot of water even if I have to force it.   I developed a passion for staying active.... and learning when to slow down and work on myself internally.

I am finally learning to listen to my body.... and more importantly.... listen to my intuition.  I have come to understand that my body already knows what it wants and needs.... and my heart already knows the answers to questions I have asked.  It can be like learning a new language sometimes.... it is hard to quiet the mind and pay attention to what is happening inside yourself.  I have been disconnected from the Source for so long that I forgot how to learn from it and communicate with it.

I am now more spiritually in tune than I have been in a long time.  I pray.... I ask for and receive guidance from the Source.... and I am plugged in again.

I am back to a place where I know I deserve love and have a lot of love to give.  I know there is someone out there for me, because I can feel it.  Sometimes I can feel it to the point where I almost expect a knock on the door or my phone to ring.  Sometimes I feel he is running a little late..... but he is trying to find me and doesn't have a GPS.  He may be a little lost..... but he's on his way.

Sometimes I feel it to the point where I am so happy that tears start welling up in my eyes.  I just know that one day he will come up behind me..... put his strong arms around me, and kiss my neck.  He won't be afraid or try to hide his feelings.  He won't worry about what anyone else thinks..... and he will accept all of me with wide open arms and a full heart.  We will have our difficulties, but we will talk about them.  He will always look me in the eyes and help me see the truth.  He will encourage me and be a full supporting partner in my life, as I will be to him.  We will enjoy life together..... always learning something new, going on adventures, and growing spiritually and emotionally together.

I still have preparations to make (within myself), but I look forward to his arrival.

"Find the person who will love you
because of your differences
and not in spite of them
and you have found a lover for life."
-- Leo Buscaglia

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