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"Our lives are a book that has already been written. The brilliance of the plan is that we are only given a chapter at a time..." ~A. Drayton Boylston

Monday, February 06, 2012

Thank You

I find that gratitude often helps ease the pain of loss.  No matter what happens in our lives, its helpful to know that we all have a lot to be thankful for.

Right now I'm feeling very grateful for the companionship an old friend had provided for me.

About a month and a half ago, I got back in touch with someone I dated ten years ago.  Although we had supported each other via LiveJournal and Facebook, we hadn't actually seen each other since we had broken up.  Out of the blue one day he asked me for my cell phone number so we could chat, and we revived our friendship.

I feel very blessed that he became a part of my life again.....it's rare these days to have the opportunity to see someone again after they've departed from your life.... to see the changes that have taken place in them and their lives.  After spending quite a bit of time together, we started to date again. 

Ray would call, text or email me every day..... just to check in and say hi and see how my day was going.  For me, that was a very uplifting and supportive thing for him to do.  I had been feeling very lost, sad and hurt by the separation between my husband and I.  We had both given each other permission to date so that we wouldn't feel so alone, and because it would be a while before we would actually file for divorce. 

Everything was great when the relationship was casual, but when it started getting more serious, I had trouble letting go of the hurt and conditioning from my relationship with my husband.  Feelings of unworthiness, shame, etc. started permeating an otherwise normal and enjoyable relationship.  I realized that I really don't know what normal is anymore....and I don't have a lot of experience with someone feeling the same way about me as I do for them.  I realized it was wrong to let someone into my life before I've done some healing on my own.  It's difficult to do that when there are some unresolved issues with people in my life that will probably never be resolved, but I need to try and resolve them myself.  I'm just glad that I learned that before too much hurt or damage could be done.

Ray, I want to thank you for being there when I needed someone.  I don't have a very supportive immediate family, so it meant a lot to me to have a voice to listen to every day..... encouraging words to hear and see.  Thank you for offering your hand when no one else would.  Thank you for hugging me when I had no one else to hug.  Thank you for trying to convince me that I was amazing.... when I didn't feel like I was (and still don't think I am).  Thank you for listening attentively.  Thank you for all your love, caring and kindness.

Most of all thank you for blessing my life with your presence, twice.  I only hope that you find someone special and far more deserving  of everything you have to offer.

I already feel the loss of you, and I'm sorry for anything I've done or said that has hurt you.

Take care and be well....my friend.

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