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"Our lives are a book that has already been written. The brilliance of the plan is that we are only given a chapter at a time..." ~A. Drayton Boylston

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Chapter 14 Excerpt, In a Perfect World

"Are you ok?" He asked. "How badly are you hurt?"

"I just skinned my knee and elbow...no big deal." There was a huge gash in my pants and my right knee was bloody.

He put my leg over his lap, cleaned up my knee and elbow and put bandages on them. No complaints, no "what are you some kind of idiot?" like someone else would say.

"I feel like such an idiot", I said.

"You just need more practice... and more appropriate clothing. That's all."

My pride was hurt more than anything... and I wanted this to be something we could do together without incident. It was important to me not to screw that up. It was also important to me to practice before I went out with him though. There had been no chance to practice before Devin surprised me. I wanted to surprise HIM by riding well.

"Do you want to try again, or should we make it another time?" he asked.

I really wanted to try again... but when I could do it right. I felt like at that point I was just getting back up to fail again. He probably wouldn't have minded, but it wasn't the way I wanted it to go. I felt the sense of unworthiness returning... how could Devin love someone who was afraid of her own shadow and couldn't do something so simple without failng? A man in love with bikes... and I had to dump mine in front of him.

"I think I embarrassed myself enough for one day", I said.

He could tell I was disappointed with myself, so didn't push the issue. "It's all good you know", he said smiling. He could always comfort me in a way no one else could, and sometimes without saying anything. 

"I know", I said. But I didn't really believe it.

The bikes were carefully placed in the rack outside the dorm.  He put an arm around me and we walked inside and toward his bedroom.  With an evil grin on his face he said, "Take your pants off."

"I'm not really in the mood right now", I said.

Devin rolled his eyes at me. "I'm going to sew the rip in your pants, silly."

I kicked off my black canvas shoes, took off my pants, and handed them to Devin.

"Nice shorts" he said smiling. I was wearing my black boyshorts that had a pink rhinestone skull on the left side.

I laid down on his bed, while he sat on the edge and sewed my pants by hand under the light of the lamp on his nightstand. I watched him in fascination as he carefully stitched my pants, stopping only once to wink at me. Sewing...another thing I couldn't do worth a damn. And when he was done, he folded my pants and placed them on the other side of him. He looked at me, cocking his head to the side and shaking his head with a smile on his face. It was his "Oh Angel, you silly girl" look.

He then got on his hands and knees at the end of the bed, and the mischievous look on his face made me giggle. He proceeded to kiss the toes belonging to the same leg with the skinned knee...then my ankle, my scraped knee, the inside of my thighs, my belly, chest, neck and then my lips. And after we kissed for what seemed like eternity, he looked at me smiling and said "Ok, put on your pants" and got up so fast I barely saw him move. Unaware of the condition he put me in, I put on my pants with trembling hands and almost fell over. That really would have been the icing on the cake. I think if I ever have a daughter I will name her Grace, so that she may have that which I do not.

For the rest of the evening, he seemed to have one main objective.... making me feel better.  

We had our usual animated conversations at dinner in the hall, which involved mostly him talking, while I smiled and laughed at his jokes and crazy ideas.  Never crazy in a bad way, just never anything I would ever hear from anyone else.  Although he was involved in discussions with other people at the table, once in a while he would reach over and touch my hand, squeezing it tight, and smile warmly. 

It was in the little moments of silence that I would watch him, notice things that no one else seemed to notice, and become conscious of how much I loved him. So much that I had to fight back tears. The feeling stretches back further than I ever fully realized. And it wasn't just the man I loved.... it was the little boy inside him that I loved too. And I was daydreaming about what a wonderful Dad I knew he would be someday... he would be the hands-on kind, the kind who would take his son or daughter out and actually do things with them, especially since he despised television and preferred to be outdoors. He could play rough, but also be gentle and loving, and patient when his child gets hurt. He would kiss the bruises, and dry the tears, and bandage the knees. If he really never had kids of his own, it would be a shame. A lot of love, care and fun would be lost. He should have a family.

And I couldn't help but think that it would most likely be with someone else....someone far more deserving of this man, who should have a wife and kids who adore him and whom he can be proud of. They would be so lucky indeed. And I would be there watching at a distance, envious and sad, but also happy for him and those who were actually worthy of his love.

My reverie was broken when he wrapped his arms tightly around me from behind.  No one else was at the table, and I wondered how long I had disappeared from reality.

"Ready?" he asked.

"You know it", I said. 

He took my hand and we walked back to the dorm, enjoying the beautiful night and looking up at the stars.  He pointed out his favorites and told me things I never knew about them.  Time always flew by with him, and it felt more like we were flying than walking.  He took me in his arms and twirled me around, and I felt light headed and dizzy..... and very happy.

Back at the dorm, I opened the door to my room to let us in, and once I closed it behind us he immediately pulled me toward him and kissed me.  He laid me on the bed gently, kissing my neck and my ears...which he knew drove me crazy.  We took off each others' clothes playfully, throwing them across the room, knocking a framed picture off the wall and a mug filled with pens off my desk.  He began to kiss me more urgently and pinned my hands down with his.  My heart started beating wildly, and a strange mixture of excitement and fear pulsated through me.  It quickly became overwhelming and I knew I was either going to be sick or he was going to make me come. 

"Can Kat come out and play?" he whispered.

The question sent a signal to my brain, and a warm tingly rush of energy throughout my entire body.... from my head to my toes.  The moment before the blackness was always one of pure bliss.  And I had always wanted to experience what transpired following that feeling, rather than be told about it later (if I was lucky) like I was a minor character in the subplot of a story.

Instead, I remember arching my back and letting out a moan I wasn't sure had even come from me.

From that moment and for presumably the rest of the evening, I was in a dark room, alone with my thoughts and a chess board.  My opponent invisible to me.  "I'm sorry, but that's a game you cannot play", she said.

Checkmate.

I waited patiently to be called back again.

©Carrie-Ellen as Kat Matheson, 2009-2011, Picker Penguin Press

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