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"Our lives are a book that has already been written. The brilliance of the plan is that we are only given a chapter at a time..." ~A. Drayton Boylston

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

If At First You Don't Succeed... Give Up On It

Well, that's not exactly what I meant, but at least I got your attention :) .

I've been thinking lately about all my trials and tribulations regarding love. And I realized something startling.... I've spent most of my life in love. It started when I was 11 and fell madly in love with my fifth grade teacher...for three years. I spent most of those years feeling worthless and feeling mad at myself... for being too young for him, and as a result I grew up hating my body and abusing it with overeating and self-medicating. I've spent most of my life hoping someone would love me who never ended up loving me back. When you think about it... that's pretty sad.

I didn't exactly have great role models for love. My parents were divorced when my twin sister and I were very young, and he left my mother for another woman. My mom made unwise decisions and fell for men who were by no means good for her. I spent my teenage years trying so hard to make the right decisions and failing miserably because I didn't exactly have anyone to learn from.

Queue the violin music :)

I realized after doing a lot of soul searching, where I went wrong. And I see a lot of young women these days making exactly the same mistakes I have made, and it makes me worried. Worried because all my experiences caused me tremendous heartache and pain, and its sad for me to imagine other young women going through that same thing. I know it can't be prevented on a large scale, but at least I can stand on my little soapbox here and tell you how it is. Maybe some young woman will listen and it will prevent her from making a mistake.

First, and I know you've heard this one before... but until you love yourself, you can't really expect anyone else to. I started falling in love before I even knew myself. I hadn't spent much time with myself or figured myself out yet. It wasn't until my 30's, when I was stuck in life and had too much time on my hands, that I got to know myself and realized who I was... and finally felt myself worthy of getting what I wanted.

And what was that? Well, now I know. Here's a big tip... decide and KNOW what you want. Most women have an idea of their ideal mate and what they want out of life, but not many think about it in great depth. Literally... sit down with a piece of paper and make up your damn mind. What do you want? Unless you know what you want... it goes without saying... YOU WON'T GET IT.

You don't have to be the prettiest woman in the world to get the man you want.... you just have to be confidant... you have to know who you are.... you have to take care of yourself, your body, and have your mental health in check. Spend time with yourself... learn to love who you are, no matter what kind of person you are.

Second, under no circumstances should it ever be the woman's job to chase the man of her dreams. I know the feeling.... of loving and wanting someone so much that you feel you need to do something, and say something...anything... so he won't get away. Not to mention, when you're in love, its really difficult to not share the feeling....you want to tell everyone, write love letters to him, get anywhere close to him. But DON'T. All this does is drive him further away. You can't force a situation, or force anyone to make a decision about you.

Men enjoy the chase and its their job.... so if the woman does the chasing they are instantly turned off. They think to themselves, "Oh great, next thing I know she'll have me nailed down with five kids and a mortgage"....even if that's not what you want. Even if all you want to do is love him and not change a damn thing about him.

Have you ever seen that woman who acts like she could care less about men, yet they are falling over themselves trying to get to her? It's because she's confidant, and its because she acts like she doesn't care. She lets the men do what they were born to do... hunt. She isn't doing the hunting. Have you ever noticed that men you don't care about call you off the hook? This is why... because you appear aloof and keep them guessing about whether you like them or not.

Third, and this is the hardest lesson of all...let it go. If what you have done to show him you love him isn't working...GIVE UP. Your heart may be screaming at you...it may make you more sad to not see him...but GIVE UP. Act against your heart and your desires, and flee the situation. Not giving up will just breed desperation... and desperation repels men like Superman to kryptonite.

You know the saying... "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, its yours. If it doesn't, it never was." Truer words have never been uttered. If you truly believe, with all your heart and soul, that you were meant to be with someone... there is one thing left to do. State your desire, loud and clear to the universe. Do it with tremendous confidence and all the feeling you have inside you for this person. And then walk away. Business as usual. Take time out for yourself... absorb yourself in activities you enjoy, or keep yourself busy with work. And just don't think about it. RELEASE IT.

If you start to think about him again... REFOCUS. There are many other aspects of your life needing your attention. Focus on what you CAN do, not something you really have no control over.

All you're doing by focusing on the negative is attracting more negativity to you. By releasing your wish to the universe, you're allowing the universe to take the reigns and bring to you what you want.

If it is meant to be, the one you love will seek you out. He knows where to find you after all, since you hounded him for so long. If you really and truly love him, you just have to let him go. You will never gain anything from holding on to something tightly... it will just give you sore arms and a broken heart. No one wants to feel trapped, and the natural instinct when someone feels trapped is to break out any way they can. Entrapment isn't love....freedom is.

And if he doesn't come to you? Then he just doesn't care, and he's not interested. So what? But don't give him another thought. You deserve better. And its only when you believe THAT, and stop looking...that the right one will come along.

Another thing I want to mention is that no one should ever settle. Broken hearts can make you do crazy things... like giving up your dreams, and settling into something you think you should settle for because you think that must be all you deserve. See above about getting to know yourself... if you knew yourself well and cared about yourself, you wouldn't shortchange yourself. So if you're settling, that means you need to take time off from romantic relationships and do some work on YOU. We can't change other people, but we CAN change ourselves.

Broken hearts are painful. But hearts have the amazing ability to repair themselves... if you let it happen.

1 comment:

  1. Sooooo with you on this one! So true! If you don't know yourself, how on earth can you expect to get into a successful long term relationship with someone when even YOU don't know who you are yet!

    Another one I'd add to the list is if the dude you are dating really likes you then he will make sure you know about it. If he's not doing that, then, looser much?